he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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