I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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