That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
