Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
