its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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