At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
