the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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