I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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