Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
