i jhust puked up my retainher.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
