I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
