She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
