he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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