I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
