They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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