I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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