i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I will be naked everywhere
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
