god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
