he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
