i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
