I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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