are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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