i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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