Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There r osticjed everywhere
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
