Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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