Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
