My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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