The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
