they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
