Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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