so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
