i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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