PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize