John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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