I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
