At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
