I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
