Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
This house was built for laser tag.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
