I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
