the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
