a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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