I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
