my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
