If i come over, it means nothing
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
