i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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