I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
