It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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