So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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