I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
