I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Randomize
