U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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